I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
