so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
