I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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