guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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