I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
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