just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
