I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
