I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
