So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Let's paint friendship bongs
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
