My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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