Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
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