Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
