How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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