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I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
