I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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