All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
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I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
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Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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