That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
