12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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