Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
