I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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