Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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