OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
