I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
