I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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