I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
