some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
