Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
