the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Pooping to opera.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
