I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
