Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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