We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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