I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
