it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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