At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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