Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize