the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
sarcasm needs its own font
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
