Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
