dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
