just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
