I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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