Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
