wakey wakey hands off snakey
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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