I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Randomize
