I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
