I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Who died my cat blue again?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
