I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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