saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
