Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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