I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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