if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
