Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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