How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
