The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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