It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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