What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize