Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
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so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
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Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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