I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
