K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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