I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
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i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
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I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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